Amy Schumer

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I’m sure you’re sick of hearing this, but I freakin’ love Amy Schumer. She came out of nowhere for me. NOWHERE. Did she even exist two months ago? I feel like whatever deal she made with the devil has well and truly kicked in, because she’s ruling our social media feeds, magazines and sneakily-viewed YouTube windows right now.

Last week, two friends and I sat, drank Prosecco, and snorted with teary laughter at Amy’s stellar acceptance speech at the UK Glamour Awards all over again. At the time it was posted it went viral, and not because it’s disgusting or shocking – because she says things we’re all thinking. I want to be as brave and as funny and as bulletproof as her.

My favourite Amy Schumer moments (so far…)

Nailing men’s well-meaning attitudes towards make-up in a One Direction parody video

Toasting Julia Louis Dreyfus’ ‘last f**kable day* with Tina Fey and Rosanna Arquette

Taking shots at the morning-after pill experience, weeing in the sea and, er, her own grandmother in her stand-up

Exploring pop music’s anal fixation in the incredibly crude but funny Milk Milk Lemonade

Breaking the reverent Kimye adoration by faceplanting in front of them on the red carpet 

Pointing out how fancy hotels are absolutely obsequious towards their guests… right until they check out (set in a hilariously thinly-veiled W)

And in her own words:

“I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.’”

“I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.'”

“In New York I’m, like, a six – seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the fuck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.’”

“The girls I grew up with, they’re living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still react like, ‘What are you going to do?? I’ll drive you, I guess.'”

“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”

“[When you’ve got a baby the advice] says, ‘It’s safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.’ Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you’re drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I’ve eaten weirder things.”

“I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering ‘You won’t believe who I’m inside.’ It’s fine.”

“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.”

Get your fix…

Inside Amy Schumer is on Comedy Central, Mondays at 11pm. Or most of her sketches so far are on YouTube.

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