Tinder tactics

Tinder tactics

I’m exposing myself as a Tinder user here, for one simple reason. I have imparted the following tip to so many women now that I’d actually rather just send a quick link. It’s just easier for everyone, you know? So here we go…

Single girls hate the lack of available, eager men to date, but they also hate the idea of Tinder. (No, it’s not a hook-up app. Lots of us are legit trying to meet someone nice. With limited success.) Some, in the early stages of using it, hate the reality just as much. ‘People just message,’ they lament. ‘No one actually wants to go out. I’m just going to retreat to my sofa and hope I stumble across someone in the queue at Tesco.’

Well, I am here to BLOW YOUR MIND. This is how you get a quick date on Tinder.

1. Sign up
And make it clear what you’re looking for. Lead by example. I favour the line ‘Who actually wants to meet up and see if there’s chemistry?’

2. Swipe right 
Yep. You have to do a bit of this too. Be as picky as you like, but swipe right on a few cuties whose one-liners and fancy dress pics you’re intrigued by.

3. Match with some people
This happens more often than you’d think.

4. Chat with a person
Whether you start the conversation, or they get in there first (and, from experience, I don’t think it matters much. Let it go, men don’t ‘lead’ on the dancefloor anymore, either), get chatting. Intrigue them with your natural charm and humour. Talk to the person for about 20 minutes max, enough time to check that they a) can spell b) can use basic grammar c) aren’t certifiably insane d) aren’t just ‘DTF’. Unless you’re into that. (Insert your own preferences, I know not everyone’s turned on by the correct usage of they’re, their and there. But there are a lot of us language geeks out there.)

5. Then, deploy the magic words
No, not ‘Izzy, wizzy, let’s get busy’ (though in some niche cases that will indeed secure a date). Use my tried-and-tested, copy-and-paste message, as follows:

‘Anyway, I don’t really understand this Tinder lark – people just seem to chat on here for ages… I’m logging off now, but my number is XXXXX* if you fancy a drink sometime.’

6. Get the hell off of Tinder
And then wait. While stroking an oversized white Persian cat, if you can get your hands on one.

7. Get texting
Disclaimer: there’s no 100% success rate here. And I can’t comment on whether it works as well on women (can someone please try it out and report back?). But this is how it plays Tinder at its own swipey game – the good guys, the ones secretly wishing they could find a nice lass to spoon and share a bottle of red with on a quiet Friday night, the chaps whose intentions are vaguely honourable, will text you. The douchebags who have commitment issues/girlfriends/threesome requests or all of the above will think it’s ‘too soon’ or ‘full on’ and bolt. BOOM. Wheat separated from chaff. It also takes the conversation off woefully un-user-friendly Tinder and onto Whatsapp or text, which is a bonus.

8. Get a date in the diary
In my experience this ends with a polite text conversation nailing down a date, some nice drinks and an intro to a thoroughly nice chap. Which is a start, if not a fairytale…

You’re welcome.

*replace Xs with your phone number. You can’t have mine.

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